The Lie of Deserving
The lie of deserving creates a right of entitlement which defies the true value of purpose.
Somewhere along the passage of the last several decades, we’ve accepted the misguided notion that deciding we deserve something is just, inborn, and definitely not entitlement. “I deserve” more, better, etc, must be taken as simple statement of fact, and to doubt such assertion is not just unfair but clear indication of ill-will. Never mind that deserve is so dynamic a term it applies to objects, time, emotions, and anything else someone determines should be had without question. However it’s applied, the prevailing sentiment is that this desired thing is coming to me and no one can interfere.
It's a lie and the most effective solution is to chuck the word from the collective vocabulary entirely.
Many may disagree that so well-established a term as deserving could create so egregious a mindset. Is it not true that people work hard and need a break? Is it not true that a fair universe would reward someone his effort? Is it not true people’s desires should be fulfilled, especially when there is no harm to others? Yes, no, and no, respectively.
People do work hard, very hard, and though it’s been previously established that the benefit of hard work is found in the dignity it affords, there’s also no question time off to reset and recharge is immensely helpful and effective. After all, even the Creator took a day off after six days in the very first work-week of existence. And that without risk of burnout or proclamations of what was deserved for His life-altering creation. Besides, what merit could humanity have at that point to warrant its very existence in so beautiful and intricate a world?
Breaks, time off, incentives don’t just boost productivity, but also provide benefits connected to a worker’s physical state of being. Breaks are necessary, breaks are beneficial, so why must breaks be deserved when there’s reason enough without introducing such a mischaracterizing word? Do those who so readily employ the term deserve for every desired perk use it with equal readiness when it comes to hard work or any sort of consequence for that matter? Are the numbers really similar for those convinced they deserve reward as for those who think they deserve work with challenges? As with most wordplay of the modern era, the word has been mangled into something erroneous and self-serving.
Note the discussion here specifically does not center on subject as much as framing. The contention isn’t about desired benefits—separate topics of discussion—but on the language and viewpoint it yields. The notion of deserving often becomes excuse for self-indulgent, wasteful, possibly harmful behaviors, which are not appropriate reward for achievement. Moreover, this whole idea of deserving often creates a tally which only works to the benefit of the one keeping score.
What better term to use then? What both describes the sentiment and conveys the meaning of supposedly deserves’ intent? Well, the need for a break could be conveyed with other words, and probably should, as the perniciousness of this lie has a greater impact on mindset than realized.
Even worse than the use of deserve in connection to work is the term’s damaging lie in relation to emotions. “You deserve to be happy” is, simply, a line well-used, but a line with little sense. If someone wants to be happy or joyous or glad, he needs simply resolve to pursue a specific attitude, then engage in the mind-battle against the negatives threatening to slow his train of awesome. Happiness does not withhold itself at the behest of the universe. Happiness is not hiding out of reach, judicious in its coveted distribution. The only path to happiness is the one that leads right back to the very core of self and the truth it’s made of.
To say, of course you should be happy, but deserve? Why invite a word that’s compelled to take stock? Why risk a term that in full objectivity might actually tell you no?
The worst effect of this mindset comes in the possibly well-meaning but wholly misguiding lie that someone deserves love. Never mind chucking the word. Set it ablaze and cast its insidious remnants into the depths of the darkest sea.
Why does someone deserve love? How? Is there a level of giving to the galaxy which mandates a certain amount come your way in return? Perhaps it’s high time to recall Pluto from demoted status to once more arbitrate over the vagaries of love. To adjudicate on levels of deserving. What sort of love must be shown and felt to deserve love? If someone loves most of the time, but not all of the time, how does that affect the love that’s assumedly coming to him? What sort of leeway is there to be imperfect, unique yet still wholly deserving of love?
Compounding the confusion is the undeniable reality of someone who doesn’t love the same as another. There’s no need to discuss at length the not-uncommon occurrence of an individual loving in greater measure than what’s returned, if at all. If a person is deserving of love—and, sure, everyone should be loved—does this not mandate that the chosen beloved absolutely love back so the one who loves gets his due? Perhaps such a person only deserves a portion of someone’s heart instead of all of it. Is this not what deserving is all about? Resist betting high on the health of such a relationship.
Again, the subject is not what’s inside the frame, but the language forming it. We can certainly hope and pray that people should have various types of healthy love in their lives, but what does deserve have anything to do with it? Does someone deserve just because he was born? Yes? Okay. What if he hasn’t contributed anything of significant value? What if he never once showed love or encouraged the happiness of another? Nor did he harm anyone either. What does such a seemingly innocuous individual deserve? If he gets more than his due, who will reclaim and reapportion the excess?
Even if such terminology is only intended in kindness and empathy, it isn’t wise to offer consolation with such mistaken a notion “this is coming to me” creates. Everyone should have good and beautiful relationships, but this deserving nonsense skews the multiple, oft uncontrollable, elements at play and convinces someone he’s wholly entitled according to personal perceptions. Imagine the hurt, anger, disillusion, et al, when things don’t go as expected, when the conviction of what’s deserved doesn’t impact reality. It’s difficult to conceive how the free use of such a word and the mentality it shapes is beneficial in dealing with, well, life.
Perhaps then the claim is broader, that everyone deserves love because every person should experience the best and most fulfilling life possible. Okay. Sure. But what does this truly well-meaning wish have to do with deserving, and from fickle love at that?
Is it better to say that everyone is deserving of respect? Even as the words land, can you not immediately think of one exception, then two? Best to approach love and respect without shrouding them in the lie of deserving. Let us wish good for another, not because there’s any calculus or audit, but simply because it’s the best way of things. As we can’t foresee or guarantee anything, it’s preferable to steer clear of such terminology lest we unequivocally begin to believe the lies we desperately wish were truths of the world.
Conversely, less-than-desirable aspects are also attached to this lie of deserving. If someone wrongs another, many would agree this incurs repercussion, and rightfully so. The wrongdoer is deserving of shame, judgement, or punishment, all much stronger arguments for this particular word choice, so if deserving is to be used in any context, it’s undoubtedly suited here. Though, again, the sequence of action and consequence could be described in ways other than deserving if we’re to succeed in avoiding the word entirely. Someone who steals and is then stolen from may have been deserving of such tit for tat, but what if someone steals and is then subject to something worse? Do action-consequence really align with deserving when they’re not the same?
Tempering language with claims of earned is certainly better than deserved, but at the level of minutia, still not truth enough to undo the lie. Earned doesn’t carry the same implication as “coming to me,” not only for work completed but also for just being born, so it benefits from the indication of contribution-return relationship. Earned need not be nuked from vocabulary as swiftly as deserved deserves.
Acting for the sake of reward is a topic worthy of discussion, and sometimes incentives are necessary to foster good results, but these should be regulated to younger peoples and individuals being inculcated into new behaviors. Attempts to bind components of established exchange in this context of earn and deserve, be it salary or other agreed upon perks, are irrelevant and disingenuous. Realistically, at some point, training and behavior should dominate, and reward appreciated but unexpected.
The truth ultimately wriggles forth with a focus on a simple, soul-searching question for the earning or deserving: if you don’t get what you think is coming to you, then what? Will you stop doing what has to be done? Who do you appeal to when your account doesn’t balance with the universe’s, and how does that answer truly populate this equation from the outset?
There’s a much deeper truth at the core of the deserved narrative, one many don’t want to face because we all live such varied lives, and generally desire goodness for all. Yet, there’s no doubt some seem to have greater struggles than others. There’s no question some simply have more than others. There’s no arguing some appear to fail more often, to suffer greater humiliation, to be kicked to the curb more frequently, even despite best attempts at betterment. What could have been done to deserve any of that?
Thus, the primary challenge to the grander idea of deserving is the brutal question of what you could have possibly done to deserve a journey through this world? Rejoin right away that life has been unquestionably, unaccountably hard or difficult or challenging and not at all what someone would wish for someone else. Granted. Still, it’s life. Has there really been no moment, no progress, no glimpse of quiet or smile or gesture that made you think, “this is what it’s all about,” “this has no quantifiable value.” Besides, is life itself not precious beyond measure?
Even with everyone agreeing that someone with tough circumstances should get a break, it’s less about deserving and more about compassion. The who and what matter less than our projection of goodness for all, regardless of deserving. If a less exemplary person experiences great suffering, who can really say what makes the equation balance? If he’s done wrong, then there’s consequence, but deserve implies more than impartiality. Deserve indicates a tally taken at every point, and which human could lay claim to that? Moreover, with such being the case, who can really say how much would truly be deserving?
Significantly, incontestably, millennia of unknown, possibly unappreciated contribution converged for the place and time you were born into. You who are so adamant, you who know so well what’s deserved, can you speak with equal conviction about how much is owed? Can a lifetime of giving ever repay the amenities and opportunities previous generations could barely envision? How many struggled and persevered so you could be here today? Does the way you live truly deserve all of it? Dare you consider such calculation?
With such complications challenging its claims, let us remove the word deserve and unstated equivocation which comes along with it. Let us value work, life, happiness, even love, for their own sake. Let us pray for the welfare and blessings of others and ourselves, and never stoop so low as to take measure. The best guarantee of good in this world is not that which must be coming to me, but that which I create for others. Not because it’s deserved, but because it’s worth it. That’s a much better method of framing.